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Santana Humphreys

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Posted by Still Aware

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When I was 20 weeks and 1-day pregnant we went to find out the sex of our second child. Instead of hearing "it’s a boy or a girl", the ultrasound tech tells us “I’m sorry I’m not finding a heartbeat".

My husband and I stood there and quietly I told her "check again". She had me lay flat on my back- she says "I’m so sorry". I was lost for words I didn’t want to believe it. I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t speak, my husband basically had to carry me out. I could barely move I was so in shock, and couldn’t believe this was happening to us. I just felt the baby kicking last night, "there’s no way" I told my husband, and I demanded he take us to the ER for a second opinion.

While I sat there in the ER waiting room the reality hit me. I burst into tears when I noticed I hadn't felt the baby move all day. They took me to get an ultrasound, then put me in a room while I waited for a doctor. It felt like the longest wait of my life! When she finally came and told me what we had already been told earlier, it felt like my whole world fell on my head. I cried and cried. I was shaking and asking, “God why us? Why our baby?" I even begged God to take my life instead. We were given two choices: go back home for a little bit and then be admitted to come back, or they can induce labour that night. I chose to be induced that night, because knowing I had to push out our lifeless baby, I just wanted to get it over with- I didn’t want to sleep another day knowing he’s lifeless inside of me. I just couldn’t.

February 12th at 5:30 pm I gave birth to our baby boy. I cried as they placed him on my chest- he didn’t move, he didn’t cry. The nurses and midwife left and gave my husband and I time with him, giving us a cuddle cot so he could stay with us longer. We had two days with him in the hospital. We named him, we kissed him, and I will never forget his scent. We took him home with us while we waited on the funeral home to come and get him from us, and my husband and I cried ourselves to sleep that night. We prayed and prayed, and searched for answers...nobody knew. They told us Trisomy 13, a genetic disorder. Knowing it was nothing anyone could have done, and our son having a rare genetic disorder, we came to terms that he’s better off and pain-free in heaven with God.

Our angel Santana Mario Humphreys, we will never forget you. I feel our story is important to be told as we had no idea what Trisomy 13 was until it happened to us. Nobody really talks about it, but we know our son is in heaven and we will see him again one day. He has a big brother, a mother, a father, and family members who loved him already so much. This pain of losing our son will never leave. I guess we have to get used to it.

Today we are taking it one day at a time. One day at a time.

Written by Patrick Humphreys & Khaliah Humphreys in Memory of Santana Humphreys, stillborn on Friday 12/2/2021.

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