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Remembering Logan

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Posted by Lauren Citrone

Date posted:

Lauren Citrone, mother of Logan, wrote this poem in remembrance of her angel baby, a year after he was born sleeping on 26 January 2014.

This year is Logan’s 5th birthday.

“It’s been 365 days since you kicked me and I felt you move inside me
It’s been 365 days since I was told your little heart was no longer beating
Since they handed you to me and I was able to say “hello Logan”
It’s been 365 days since I hugged you
And kissed you
And whispered to you how much I love you
Since I touched your soft hair
And checked under your swaddled blanket to see if you had my toes or your daddy’s
Its been 365 days since I said goodbye to you
And now today, one year since you left this earth we lay you to rest.
I remember when I took your ashes home and thought to myself this is not how it should be, this isn’t how he should be coming home
When I sat in the hospital bed longing for you, the baby I carried for nine long months to be nursing instead of wearing ice packs to dry me out and numb the pain
I remember when I would take a breath and it was so painful, it hurt my chest and my lungs and my heart. It would go down to the bottom of my Logan-less belly and cause such aching and longing for you that it was unbearable
I remember yelling, yelling so loud I thought the house was going to shake and I would never speak again
I remember explaining to your big brother that baby brother was never going to come home with us, ‘he’s flying in the sky with the birds’ we told him
I remember the day I realised that being a grieving mother was the most difficult job in the world

And then….

I remember the day I had my first belly laugh again, it was your 6 month and on that day a piece of old me came shining back
I remember when I realised that I am thankful for you and I appreciate the chance, in whatever capacity it may be, to be your mother. You see, In my heart, I believe you picked me and for that I thank you for allowing me to take this journey with you. I now know what it feels like to have my heart filled with love and joy for the child I created all while desperately aching to be filled with the happiness again that your short little life brought to us all.
I know you watch over us
I know you’re with us everyday
And for each day I walk this earth I will always think of you
I vow to whisper your name with each passing day
I vow to ensure your big brother and God willing any future younger brother or sister knows of the special boy that never walked this earth but left a huge imprint on our hearts
I vow to talk about you as much as I can, whenever I can
I vow to keep your spirit alive
I will always be your mother Logan
And unlike you, a mother’s love can never die”

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