2 October 2016Last night, I had a dream. I dreamt that I was still pregnant and my little Bub had been kicking and showing off his bum as usual. It felt real and it felt as if he was telling me that he was alright.
It has been 12 days since I gave birth to our little angel, Miguel Ernesto, whose name sounds like it was taken out of a Mexican telenovela but was actually named after our dads.
The pregnancy journey had been amazing. Unfortunately, it ended on a sadder note. My little Miguel wanted to come out sleeping and the first person he saw when he opened his eyes was Jesus.
The past two weeks have been the heaviest Pow and I had ever had to bear and the pain is unexplainable. Losing our first born before we even met him face to face is my worst fear come to life. It has been unbearable. There had not been a day wherein I did not cry longing to hug and kiss him again. Today was the first time that I hadn’t cried, but that doesn’t mean that I am less sad. However, I feel peace in my heart.
Today, we cremated him. And as we waited for the process to finish, we prayed the rosary. I read the readings as I went through the five sorrowful mysteries and it was in the voice of Mama Mary describing the pain she felt as she saw her son, Jesus, suffer and beaten in front of her. Apart from describing the unexplainable pain she was feeling, she was also encouraging us to trust in the Lord’s plans no matter how sorrowful and painful the experience is.
There are so many questions in my head and nothing makes sense. Maybe because there are things that really do not make sense. And in times like these, all that we could do to keep us sane is to remain faithful, hopeful and grateful.
I am grateful that the past eight months have been amazing. I was able to enjoy my pregnancy. From his kicks, nudges and rolls and his reaction to different sounds, movies, and food have been an experience for the books. He was such a good baby. When I delivered naturally two days after we found out that we had lost his heartbeat, the process was almost painless and his face was so peaceful and sweet. Such a shame as he would have made some woman very lucky someday. I am grateful that my mother was able to fly and be with us right away and provide the support from a family member that we were desperate for. I am grateful for the friends and family who continue to check on us to see if we have gone insane or have locked ourselves in a room and stopped eating. There are so many things to be thankful for, but i am most thankful to God for giving Paolo and I the strength to go through this feat hand in hand. It definitely is the hardest thing that we had to endure but having a strong partner to rely on when the other is feeling broken is the biggest blessing that I continue to receive.
I still believe that God loves me unconditionally. That He has grander plans for our family life and that there is a good reason why we have to go through this experience. It still does not make sense until now but I am not in a hurry to find out the reason behind all these. I trust that He will give it to us when the time is perfect. For now, I will bask in my little angel’s memory and try to learn how to live with this new reality.
Thanks to everyone who were also waiting for our little Miguel’s arrival. Rest assured that he knew that he was loved very dearly even before he was born.
My Bub Marley, there will not be a day wherein I won’t remember you or miss you. My heart still hurts every time I think about the things that could’ve been if you were alive. But we remain to be blessed and just like what your namesake keeps on saying, we won’t worry about a thing, ‘cos every little thing is gonna be alright.
Mama loves you forever and she is determined to be good because she wants to secure her spot in heaven so she can hug and kiss you until you forcefully push her away.
Life is still good, Bub.
Written by Kai Gomez Rivero, Miguel’s Mother.
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