I told her you never forget, it doesn’t get easier, you just learn a new way of life. You’re different, you won’t ever be the person you were before and that’s ok. Days will pass and then years. Some days you’re ok and others your not.
We carried on talking about our babies, and that I had, had another baby. She then said I was brave for going again. Brave I said, No, it wasn’t brave. I just knew we couldn’t let fear take over us and we knew we had to do all we could to try for a sibling for Cooper. Brave is definitely not a word I’d use, I told her it was scary, I had anxiety the whole time, I was put into hospital so that my nerves would ease and the Dr’s could keep an eye on the baby and that we could monitor and get our 3rd baby here safely.
In the early stages I knew there was nothing I could do if we lost her, I thought once I felt her move around I’d be ok I’d be able to monitor her though it actually made it 100x worse. The anxiety I felt waiting for a movement was seriously nothing I’d ever experienced. With each scan I’d turn away from the screen until our sonographer confirmed her heart was beating.
At 32 weeks we had to get her out, we’d got a week further then we did with Addi, I was happy with that, but knew she’d have a tough journey to get her where the Dr’s wanted before she’d be allowed home. So at 32w Willow Katie was born, 8w early.
Then there was worry that being another girl people would think she was a “replacement” to loosing Addi. She was so loved and so wanted, she was her own person and she completed our family.
Our girls are 13 months apart, which again made me upset. Our girls will never have that special sister bond and it breaks my heart. Although Cooper and Willow now have each other, they’re so lucky that they have a angel watching over them.
Cooper is forever talking about his sister Addi. He sees a butterfly and tells me it’s Addi, and I want to cry every time he says something like that, it makes me happy that he can talk about her and love her like we all do.
The anxiety is still hanging around, I check on Willow 100x a day while she’s sleeping. I get anxiety for friends and family who are currently pregnant. To stillbirth I say a big F you for what you’ve done to us.
I told my client that, it’s important to be around friends and family at this time who you can talk to and that they use her name whenever they talk about her.
She was real, she is apart of your family and always will be. Treasure her photos and talk of her often. Baby girl we miss you xx
Written by Kaitlyn, Addi’s Mother.